On my last day at Kripalu, I went up to the Sun Room, a quiet place with chairs and footrests facing a most beautiful view of mountains and lake, and the words just flowed. They flowed into a sort of list that summarized my week and what I had learned and what I knew I needed going forth. What I needed to feel the aliveness that I felt last week. I feel most like myself at Kripalu, most alive, most free. Here is what flowed:
I want to drum. And dance. And give to others. And be wildly inappropriate. And be alone.
I am tired of thinking what I want is outside in the realm of business achievement. That what I WANT is to sell a book, teach at Kripalu, have 1,000 people on my mailing list. No, that is what I DO.
What I WANT is to feel alive, feel free to be myself, and be loved for that. That is what I want. The other stuff is just details in the waking hours.
I was trying to become someone, but I already am someone.
Who I am is not what I do or achieve.
All of the many parts of me need and deserve to be loved just as they are.
I am not my body, but I must respect it as the only vehicle for my soul here on Earth.
And from this mini-manifesto, some small changes have transpired over the last week and a half. Lighting a candle while I shower, taking the scale out of the bathroom, reading “The Hormone Cure” and taking steps forward to balance my hormones, putting an Om magnet on my car, walking almost every day, feeding myself breakfast, changing the environment between and among my children, asking for what I need, stopping caffeine, meditating 20 minutes per day. All of these tiny steps have given me a glimpse of aliveness, out of the fog, out of the deadened robot-like existence.
So, I wonder aloud to you all… do you feel alive? What are the things or rituals or activities that make you feel like you? That make you feel alive and loved and supported and accepted and free? Please, for your own spirit, go do them. You, my sweet love, deserve to feel alive!